Online Dating
Online dating has started from a geek-only last resort of the social misfit, to one of the
most active methods to meet women. For those men out there who may be dealing with a lot of
shyness and "Nice Guy" issues, you should take a look at online resources as an excellent tool
to expand your dating circle and increase your experience. These are the personal ads of the
future, and they are a great way to get active and meeting women.
One caveat you should know up front about online matching services is that they attempt
to answer only one of the two initial questions of relationships: Are we compatible? The other
question -- Do we have chemistry? -- is up to you to determine. As a result, you’ll meet many
people who have similar interests (but by all means this is not guaranteed), and you’ll also meet
a lot of them that you won’t be very attracted to. It’s the nature of the game. You can only
answer one of these questions at a time, and by throwing your line and hook into a pool of fish
that are essentially looking to be caught, you will get a lot of throw-backs. Sure, they put up
pictures, but from my experience they can be very misleading. You won’t know until you meet
her in person if she actually meets your requirements for attraction. I have to emphasize that in
spite of this, being able to get out and fish and catch a few is the best reinforcing dating
experience you can have. I like to refer to these as lab experiments, and it takes a lot of the
pressure off finding Ms. Right on the first coffee date.
Some rules for online dates:
- Your profile should be written very poetically and non-specifically. You have to be
different. Don’t list out all your must-haves in here, like “must love Irish folk music,
must love asparagus.” Just start with some appealing romantic imagery. Mix in some
humor and make it different. You want it to spark her interest so that you can get a
chance to sell yourself in person. Don’t be too dodgy; just write something different
from the other guys who are looking for approval.
Try something like this, by a guy who feels he might be a little chunkier than most:
o ‘Describe the woman you are looking for:’ “I’m not looking for her - I’ve
already seen her. She saw me and thought: Wow! What an interesting way to
package such an interesting man. He’s not a super-size, but what a Happy
meal! She just needs to come back to find out where I get the rest of my fire
and ambition.”
o Or, something more poetic than humorous: “She likes to dream, but she’s
afraid to trust, sometimes afraid to risk. But now she knows that even the best
time alone doesn’t compare to a good time with someone to share it with. Her
eyes see grace and poetry in the world, but she’s still a little afraid to tell
others about it for fear of looking too sentimental.”
- When you send out emails to the women on the service, you don’t have to custom write
a letter for each one, if you are careful about your approach. You include one
personal item that tells them you read the profile (not just drooled over the photo),
and the rest can be stock. You want to be funny and different, and challenge her
usual sensibilities. Something like this:
o “Well, after you get done reading the fifty emails from loser guys telling you
that they’re newly divorced and looking for a job and a new wife, I wanted to
send you something a little different.
Anyways, I’m 30, I’m happy, well-adjusted, and I have a refreshing
abundance of personality. (I hope you like laughing a lot. I saw that you like
Robin Williams in your profile, so I certainly hope so.)
I thought you might make an interesting friend, so let’s talk and find out if
getting a delicious cup of fun with me is better than dating old men from
Tallahassee…”
o “Tell me if this sounds familiar: ‘Hey, I just read your ad, and I wanted to tell
you how beauuuuutiful you are! I’m nineteen, but I’m very sophisticated, and
if I can borrow my dad’s car, I’d love to take you out to see a skateboarding
movie!’
NOT!
Well, if you’d rather have some great conversation with Pierce Brosnan’s notso-
bad looking third cousin, you should hit that Reply button. And I’ve got my
own car. Honest!”
- If she replies to you, email her once or twice, but switch to the phone as soon as
possible. Do not continue to banter back and forth for weeks with her. She’s getting
hundreds of emails every day, and you’ve got to take it to the next step as soon as
possible.
- Once you get her on the phone, you will have to talk for a little while with her to help
her build up a little in her trust account. Remember, except the information you put in
your profile, she doesn’t know you from Adam. When you do talk about yourself,
make it light and fun. No heavy stuff about your family or your ex-wife that boiled a
rabbit on your stove. Cut the conversation short (you’re busy, remember?) and get
off the phone. Then call her back two days later to meet for a coffee date. Don’t
seem too eager, just relax into it. From here on, it’s just like any other meeting.
Another possible detriment of online dating you should be aware of is what I call the
"Candy Store" Syndrome. Women who get this much attention and opportunity can become a
bit jaded. Especially if they know they have a large reservoir to draw more potential prospects
from, and then you will have to work harder to stand out from the rest. So remember that if she
doesn’t reply to you, it’s probably because she’s overwhelmed with other loser letters. Try again.
Speed Dating
I suppose it’s a symptom of our fast-food society that this had to happen, but speed dating
is the latest in a line of methods for getting single people together. It has its origins in the
Jewish community, and it’s actually very fun and effective. Essentially, a group of men and
women (roughly equal numbers of each) meet at a restaurant or bar. They are then paired up to
talk to each person for just a couple minutes, to talk a little bit and share some information. After
most of the people have met, you rate them as to whether you would be interested in meeting them again. If they rated you highly as well, you will be sent an email or letter with contact
information so that you can continue the possibility.
The advantages:
- Great exposure. It gets you in front of a larger number of people than going to a bar
and meeting one-at-a-time
- There is no pretense - you’re there to meet people and see who you like. And they
are too.
- Excellent practice in learning how to sell yourself in a short period of time. Even if
you don’t match with anyone, you feel great just engaging with the opposite sex.
The disadvantages:
- Time is limited, and it is hard to be able to stick out in their minds when so many
people are run by.
If you live in a large metropolitan area (or even smaller areas may offer them) you
should look into these events and opportunities.
TOP TEN DATING MISTAKES
There are a lot of potential traps during your first meetings with a woman, probably more
than I can warn you against here. However, there are some fairly predictable errors made on
dates. Here is a list of the most prominent:
1) Talking too much – (especially about yourself): This includes bragging. You want to
focus at least 70% of the conversation on her. Her experience is that the man who listens to her
will understand her, and she believes that the man who understands her will be a good lover.
The reverse is doubly True – if you yammer on and on, she’ll nod and smile, but she’ll be
thinking about what a bore you are, and how unlikely it is you’ll give her good loving. Take a
lesson from the great talk show hosts. Watch them as they ask questions and get everyone
laughing along the way.
2) Spending too much money/try too hard to impress: Don’t buy her flowers or gifts
or trinkets. When a car salesman comes at you with all these glitzy sales lures, your initial
reaction is to step back and see what he’s selling you. The same thing happens with a woman.
Any man that tries to buy her affections is demonstrating low self-confidence and low selfdiscipline.
Any woman that needs those gifts to date you is not worth your time or energy.
3) Drinking too much – (and then talking too much): You can meet for a beer at a
pub, but you should only have one or two drinks (remember: Restraint!) The problems of having
a few drinks are mostly with the impairment of your judgment. It’s tempting to “loosen things up”
by having a few, but it’s a slippery slope. Dating is tough enough sober, why would you make it
any more difficult? One or two drinks are enough to lubricate the conversation and relax both of
you. Any more distorts the situation.
4) Trying to sell the next date too early: You want to increase the mystery of your
rendezvous. When things go well, most guys start asking her out for the next time before this
meeting is over. You want to end the date well, get a kiss, and tell her nothing! You don’t hint or
say that you’ll call her. You don’t say, “Let’s get together soon.” Just say, “I had a great time,”
and then leave. For the next couple of days, you want her wondering if you’ll be calling her or
asking her out again. What she doesn’t know will only help you. Don’t try to pin her down to
several dates just to satisfy your insecurity.
5) Moving too fast: SLOW DOWN. If there’s one mistake guys make when they’re with
women is that they move way too fast. They haven’t had any sex in months, and now they think
they can hurry the next woman along so they can either get a score, or get on to the next one.
Impatience shows a severe lack of self-discipline.
There’s a joke about two bulls standing up on a hill overlooking a herd of grazing cows.
One bull says to the other, “Hey, let’s run down there and have a couple of those ladies!” The
other bull smiles and says, “Let’s walk down there and have them all.”
6) Moving too slow: If you do not take progressive steps toward demonstrating your
romantic intentions, she will lose attraction since you won’t be demonstrating self-confidence.
The longer you wait, the worse the situation gets. At some point, she will call a time-out and give
you the line about wanting to just be friends. Romance has an expiration date, and you don’t
want it to go bad on you. Always move forward toward your next romantic goal with her.
7) Not relaxing: Don’t be hyper and visibly uneasy. If you aren’t relaxed, you’ll convey
nothing but nervous desperation, and she’ll be repelled. Women aren’t attracted to manic, hyper
men. Take some time before the date to relax and let go of your anxiety and expectations. I find
that I’m most relaxed meeting women after I’ve worked out. I’m at ease, the endorphins are in
my bloodstream, and my overall confidence is higher. Try that for a relaxation therapy. Overall,
the more women you meet and date, the more you’ll relax.
8) Acting too needy and clingy: Frequently on dates, men and women are too focused
on what the other one is doing and saying. The man tends to hover around the woman too
much, showing that his ability to feel good and happy is dependent on her experience of the
date. Back off enough to let her breathe. Cast your interest somewhere else during the date, like
talking with someone nearby, or just let a comfortable pause enter the conversation. Pauses are
especially tolerable if you are smiling and look secure with yourself. If you’re in a shopping
environment, don’t be afraid to walk away and have her come to find you.
9) Going too long when things are good: You must end the date. You have to have
the self-discipline to end things on a good note. Again, many guys keep her out too long when they’ve found that she’s interested, and turn a good date into boredom. Unless she’s asking you
back to her place, you have to pack it in politely. Don’t overstay your welcome.
10) Not having a plan of attack: You should always have an idea of where and how to
proceed next. You should make a backup plan for your meeting, that way you have an alternate
in case of a problem. If you get a goodnight kiss that turns into a heated make-out session, you
have to decide how you want to progress this. Do you have a condom? Do you have a place to
go?
Also, keep in mind that your initial meetings with a woman should be just you and her.
No roommates tagging along or chaperones. If she cannot meet with you in a public place
without supervision, she’s either too young or she may have a trust issue that you can’t
overcome. You can accept a tag-along once, if you choose, but that’s all.
Dating and Friendship
Dating and Friendship are mutually exclusive. Every man has heard a woman say, “I’d
just like for us to be friends,” and every man wonders, What the hell did I do wrong? Here’s what
happens in this dynamic:
o The man comes on too strong, or demonstrates very little of the Three S’s. The
woman senses this, and even though she doesn’t necessarily refuse dates with him,
she already knows subconsciously that she isn’t going to sleep with him or even let
this progress beyond a kiss on the cheek. She will eventually reach a point, however,
where she can’t feel good about leading him on any longer. She waits until he makes
a move of some kind, and then she tells him that she thinks he’s a nice guy, but she
would like to be friends.
o An alternate situation occurs where a man doesn’t come on strong enough, again
demonstrating very little of the Three S’s. She sees that you’re not attractive when
you can’t act on your desire for her (self-confidence), and her subconscious will
decide that she will not be sleeping with you or letting this go any further than a peck
on the cheek. She reaches a point where she can’t feel good about leading you on
any longer. She waits until you make a move of some kind, and then she tells you
that she thinks you’re a nice guy, but she would just like to be friends.
Have you ever played Skee-ball at the arcade? It’s the game where you roll a ball up a
ramp and it is caught in one of several concentric rings with scoring holes in it. If you aim poorly
or roll it too fast or too hard, the ball ends up rolling down into a no-score hole at the bottom. If
you roll it too lightly, the ball ends up in the same no-score bucket. Friendships are the no-score
default bucket of male-female dynamics. If you fail to engage her attraction to the right level,
lighting her passion, she will lose interest. And – forgive the pun – your balls will be out of play.
She only wants to be your friend when she thinks you’re either
too safe or too scary to make her feel trust and attraction.
When you’re disqualified from her game, you fall into the friend bucket. A woman is
always looking for a reason to drop you into that bucket, because she wants to avoid the
potential for pain that a new relationship presents. You’re an element of disruption, of chaos in
her otherwise orderly existence. You must always provide her with the excitement and attraction
behaviors that keep her wanting to find out more, and willing to risk that pain.
Women and men can and should be friends, but you do not want to have an imbalance
in your ratio. Men should have only a few female friends, and women should only have a few
male friends. Just a couple of reasons for this are:
_ Having too many friends of the opposite sex is confusing to your gender identity.
Very often, men will make himself a part of a woman’s clique, and then discover he’s
losing his masculinity. He will start identifying with female issues too closely, and he
ends up becoming the Nice Guy, too afraid to hurt a woman the way all those Bad
Men do.
_ Having too many friends of the opposite sex removes the dynamic sexual tension
you need to take action. You need a certain level of sexual tension in your life to
drive you to date women. Very often, I see people of both sexes who lose their
initiative to date because they can keep a safe level of unrequited tension in their
opposite-sex friendships. They can play around with their male-female interactions,
but it can never lead to sex or a relationship. (Also prevalent when straight women
hang around gay men.)
Short term
I consider a short-term relationship to be six months or less. Typically, if you survive the
first six months you’re likely to be in for a while, and there is a more distinct emotional bond
between you as well. During the short-term romance, you are looking to accomplish several
things:
First of all, you’re still in decision mode. If you see red flags, you need to resolve them,
accept them, or move on. Don’t try to change her. You might achieve some short-term success,
but long-term you will only reap resentment.
Second, you need to limit your time with her strategically. If you’re still dating casually,
you should not be seeing any one woman more than once a week. If you start seeing them
more frequently, you’ll trigger their relationship instincts, and they’ll expect this to be serious and
exclusive. If that’s your goal then go for it. However, if this isn’t your goal, be very clear with her
that you are not looking to get serious. Just be prepared that your unavailability will eventually
induce her to be more interested in you and she will want to turn this exclusive.
Women want monogamous relationships by nature. They don’t want to date around, and
when they do it is typically only after a breakup or when they are dealing with more issues in their life. So understand that your ability to keep things ‘casual’ with any particular woman will
depend first on her disposition (is she looking for more than something casual), and then the
frequency with which you see her. If you get together every month or so, you’ll probably keep
the monogamy beast at bay.
By keeping your time with her limited, you’ll be developing more response potential from
her. Your availability is in inverse proportion to her desire. The less she gets of you, the more
she’ll want.
Next, you want to be moving forward at each step in the game. You don’t have to try to
one-up every experience you have, but you should be making each meeting move deliberately
forward with respect to the building of attraction between you. At the end of the first date, you
must go for a kiss. At the end of the second, you may want to shoot for some prolonged kissing
and evocative touching. From there, you progress into more of the same, including some even
more erotic touching and removing clothes. Eventually, you will get to the point of going to bed
with her. The steps are as follows:
1. First meeting – decide on attraction/interest
2. Second meeting, kiss
3. Third meeting, extended kissing, more seductive behavior, light touching
4. Fourth meeting, even more kissing, more erotic touching, possibly removing
clothes
5. Heavy touching, moving toward sex. Relocate to the bedroom.
Along this progression, you must be dancing the steps I told you about – two forward,
one back; two forward, one back. This way you will be building up her attraction, yet never
coming on too strong. Now, these steps that you take forward must always be in proportion to
the attraction between you. If you are with a cautious and slower moving woman, your steps will
be shorter and slower. If she is much more open and willing, your steps will be longer and
bolder. Whatever you do, you must keep the progression of your romantic interests out front.
Another potential trap is when a guy starts to date a woman and he lets off the accelerator for
fear of creating discomfort. He stops teasing and starts “getting serious.” Soon afterwards, he
senses that things are rapidly de-escalating into a friendship instead of a romance. Keep
moving forward!
Another option is to use what I call “Tweener” meetings to keep things moving. Some
women have extremely busy schedules, and they are often difficult to work into yours. You often
have to resort to getting small meetings in between from time to time. This might include more
coffee dates and shorter rendezvous, like a lunch in a park. Again, stay aggressive on your
goal. Even short meetings can maintain your forward motion. Keep going for kisses and trying to
up the ante on your physical attraction where you can.
During the first sixty days of a relationship, you should keep things light and fun. Do not
come on strong. Keep your compliments to a minimum, give no extravagant or expensive gifts,
don’t talk about your feelings, and please, please, no romantic poetry. When you confirm what
you feel about with her, she has no room to fantasize and build her romantic infatuations for you.
The Long-Term Relationship
A good portion of the men reading this book will want a long term relationship, while
many others will only want casual dating. Your background and beliefs will play a large role in
your decisions and goals with women. I will share my own personal philosophy with respect to
long-term relationships, and you can hold this up in light of your own situation.
I decided at an early age that I didn’t want to get married before I was 30. (That seemed
a respectable age at the time, and I still feel that way now that I’m older.) I knew in my heart that
I would not have enough worldly experience to bond to another person for the rest of my life
until well down the road. So I held out, and I’m glad I did, because I can almost guarantee I
would have had a miserable divorce along the way, and I’m pretty sure a child could have been
caught in the middle along the way. Those risks are always there, but I chose to wait out the
part where it was too likely.
Mistakes often made in long-term relationships and marriages:
- Mistaking lust for love
- Unwilling to grow and change, or growing apart rather than together
- Desire for a family and children (without understanding the sacrifices and effort)
- Unhealthy needs being fueled in a relationship
- Going along with societal expectations rather than your own judgment
- Desire for a long-term sex partner
- Fear of dating and engaging in the search for another (otherwise known as settling,
or “better the devil you know than the one you don’t.”)
The list goes on and on. The underlying factor is inevitably understanding and
experience. Most people don’t know enough about themselves when they’re young to make the
kind of decisions and choices that a long-term commitment requires. There’s no rush. There will
always be a sizeable pool of eligible candidates for you to choose from, at any age. Don’t let
fear of being “left out” or “missing out” persuade you into making a hasty decision. Women have
a time limit on their biological imperative (having children.) You do not.
Women will want a monogamous, committed relationship as soon as they have
determined that you are a marriageable option. She will want to lock you in and keep you from
dating around, so you must be clear and careful in your communication early on as to your
intentions. If you have no intention of getting married, say so. If you have no intention to date
just one woman, say so. But also be sure to say this with your actions. If you court a woman
intensely, and spend a great deal of time with her, she will want to be exclusive with you. It’s a
perfectly understandable protection mechanism. You’d want a woman you were getting serious
with to date only you, as well.
My recommendation is to get yourself to a point where you are comfortable in your own
skin (develop the Three S’s), get enough experience under your belt to make better decisions,
and then decide what woman you want in your life, and then you’re ready (possibly) for a long term
relationship. Until then, you are merely a seeker and learner.
Remember: You do not have to have a committed relationship to enjoy the company of a
MOVE ON
There is a breakup progression that usually takes place near the end. This progression
usually goes something like this:
_ The man stops being a Dynamic Man (demonstrating the Three S’s) because he
figures he’s made it, why work? Another conquered.
_ The woman loses interest and attraction for him, gradually. He thinks she’s becoming
more comfortable in their relationship, but she’s really just bored.
_ They argue more often (usually about sex and how he’s not getting any), and she
starts to distance herself from him. He thinks that the way to get things back to the
way they were is to bug her about it rather than be the man she was attracted to in
the beginning.
_ Eventually, they can’t take it any longer and they break up because she either “wants
to see other people,” or “doesn’t think they’re right for each other.”
_ She’s dating another guy within a week because she had an emotional cushion lined
up several weeks ago. The man sits at home and cries in his beer.
I oversimplify here, but the point is still valid. If you want to keep her around, you’ll have
to expend some effort. (I’ll cover the Maintenance Plan in a bit.) If you want to move on, you can either break up with her, or engage in all the wimpy behavior you know will turn her off and force
her to fade away.
Don’t break up just because you wonder about greener grass – it usually isn’t, and it has
to be mowed, too. Do it because you know you aren’t going to reach your goal this way. It’s time
to refresh your memory as to why you’re in this game in the first place.
Here are some indications that you should consider ending it:
_ Her attraction to you is low. Chances are, she’s not as attracted to you because you
stopped growing and challenging her.
_ She has clearly lost interest in sex with you. Your sex life is not what you desire.
_ You are not happy when you’re with her, or you find you are happier without her.
_ She has changed in ways that do not mesh with your personality.
_ She goes from low-maintenance to high-maintenance.
_ Respect is lost – yours for her, or hers for you.
_ She attempts to take control of your life.
_ She develops emotional problems.
_ She cheats on you.
_ You cheat on her.
